Thursday, June 14, 2018

[SATIRE] JNU: An insider's POV from the outside.

(This is a guest post by an anonymous research scholar at JNU, it was written one year ago)

I am yet to find a suitable wiki article on JNU, so I wrote one. Yes, that is how I am spending time these days. Read at your own risk.
JNU is a Soviet Autonomous Region within the Republic of India. During the Cold War, when India was growing weary of Amrika, JNU was established. The initiative was taken by scholars and intel-act-uals who could not get their Amrika visas and wanted a piece of their own Zamindari. The name JNU evolved from the Bengali (its former official language) word 'Jani', which means 'I know'. After all, JNU knows everything, every non-JNUite is a potential Jon Snow, or worst, a fascist.

Some argue that it means Jihadi Naxal University, which is an utter lie. According to UNESCO, 127% of JNU students cannot lift anything heavier than a fountain pen, much less become an armed radical.

However, after the Soviet Union dissolved in 1991, JNU remained a Soviet outpost in South Asia. The Indians tearfully bid adieu to the USSR, singing, "Judaa ho ke bhi tu mujhme kahi baaki hain, mujhe teri yaad JNU dekh ke aati hain". Since then, JNU has thrived on its own, and have maintained its Soviet style economy, including collective farming of bullshit and equal sharing of resources. The idea of sharing has induced many people in its hostels (i.e. Gulags) to steal each other's underwears from the drying ropes, "what is yours is mine".

JNU has a thriving economy, sustained by subsidies and consumption. Assam exports one-third of its tea to JNU, Darjeeling exports two-third, and Sri Lanka exports its entire production. Before the Chai Pe Charcha became mainstream, it was invented in JNU. Later it became JNU's annual and only sport event. You will have to gulp tea and churn out the most outrageous bullshit one ever heard, preferably at Dhabas where everyone can hear you.

JNU's main export is knowledge (which no one is sure what exactly is, apart from Foucault) and propaganda.Every year, the leading giants of the Indian activism sector organise campus recruitments, and hire the jewels of the university.

Within these years, the English language, like its American or Australian offshoots, has evolved differently in JNU. Known as a JNUmese, it is a compulsory language to learn for all the freshers. Somewhere in 2000s, it replaced Bengali as the official language. The language is sweet and very expressive.

An instance-
English: "I need coffee".
JNUmese: "I am sensing a sudden proliferation of a socially constructed urge to consume the beverage which is produced by neo-liberal crooks in the countries of the global south with near-slavery-like exploitation of cheap labour, which is perpetuated and accentuated by the routinised clockwork work-life of the white-collar global north."

JNU has a thriving culture, and glorious music industry. The new heavy metal genre known as a Slogan-Core was developed in JNU. Vocalists regularly practice their skills, by shouting slogans against everyone and everything in this planet, from Barack Obama to Bappi Laihiri, from Coca-Cola to Cardiovascular Diseases. JNU also offers a degree in the most difficult musical instrument in the entire Milky Way galaxy, the Dafli.

As a result of someone farting too loudly last year, JNU is now undergoing a Civil War. The two main ethnic groups in the region, AISA and ABVP are at arms with each other. However, internal sources mention that the reason for this conflict may arise from the fact that the full form of both of their names mean the same thing. The situation at present is tense and UN intervention is being sought.